| Whatever Floats Your Rubber Ducky. PT. 1 |
I think many stay at home Moms feel this way, and I don't know if it's justified as just being a very sensitive person or what but we definately need to just be sensitive to the issue (not overly) and not guilt ridden.
Many a times throughout the week I feel like I am not giving my undivided 100% towards my family. I feel like the laundry just gets finished when it piles back up again, the dishes are never 100% washed up, and there's always a spill of juice/ground up goldfish or pretzels to be swept up in the living room, or that I have to wait until someone comes home or falls asleep so that I can turn on the vacuum without a major meltdown. I feel like all day I cater to someone else's schedule of nap or no naps today, diaper changes, snacks, and whatever time is left over around those tasks is usually spent cleaning up where toys are now all over the floor, doing bills, answering the phone, getting the mail, and possibly taking a bath for myself so I don't look hideous later. I feel guilty for leaving him in the playpen for longer than 15 or 20 minutes, but at the same time I feel like I'll blow a fuse if he continues to find a way to climb onto the couch and let me stay prisoner in the room making sure he doesn't get back up there and if he does that he doesn't fall off and hit his head or something. The most frantic thing in the world is to hear a "booboo" cry and be in the next room making yourself a sandwich.
I suppose my guilt from not getting everything accomplished, and then being too tired to stay up at night (or just wanting some time to myself in those p.m. hours) compounds with the fact that I can't do everything that my husband wants me to do. It's not that I don't try to please him in every way possible when it comes to doing errands for him or promising to do something and then dropping everything in the world to work around that simple task. I feel resentful at times that he doesn't understand that I need more than an hours notice in order to go somewhere if he needs something. He doesn't get that I must feed, change a diaper, fix myself up out of my pj pants, and then allow driving time, in order for me to go somewhere without a fussy toddler. Why is it that no matter how many times you explain that it is a a luxary to be able to go to the grocery store by yourself because you can actually focus on your budget, use a calculator and follow your list (and not lose it in the process) when you're not spending 10 minutes unstrapping a carseat, finding a buggy that's clean and has a working safety belt, and then going through the entire store in one swoop because someone gets fussy in the buggy after a while. Or even how when he's driving to work it's still 30 minutes that he has by himself that he can just sit and listen to quiet if he wants to, which oftentimes is not something I get for a few days.
Today started off bad. We're on midnight schedule now, and although I live a stones throw from my grandmother's house, I still don't like being here alone all night. I just like someone in the house with me, aside from our son. I can't sleep. Every bump, noise, neighbor, etc. just makes me wake up from my sleep and usually I can't fall asleep straight away either. I nearly fell asleep in the chair last night around 8 p.m. while we were all watching t.v. before it was time for him to get ready to leave, but when he left and Kyan finally went back down to sleep, I was wracking my brain and trying to get it to stop processing.
I knew that Jared had a meeting today to talk about what he needs to do to finish up a degree with the local college. I knew it was at around 2-ish, but I wasn't certain, and I knew that at first he had wanted us to go with him and run errands while he had his meeting. I like for him to call me when he's coming home so I can go unlock the screen door since there is no key for it. When he calls he tells me that he's tired and I need to go to the meeting with him. I agree because I'm half asleep and because I figure he needs me to do so. It's four hours before we would need a babysitter but my Mom's always willing so that's not going to be a problem. He comes home and we all sleep in until after noon. From the moment I woke up there is a fog of agressive annoyance hanging in our room, which has now invaded every room in our home and turned into a blanket of annoyance and resentment between us both.
It's not that I didn't want to go, but I see other things that need to be done, and I'm exhausted. I spend all day letting him nap, eat lunch, sleep, complain he can't sleep well, keep the house quiet for him, and then let him get up and spend a few hours with us and then leave. Asking him to give Kyan a bath last night had me nervous because I knew that when I had asked earlier in the day it wasn't a issue but now it would be since the time to give said bath was approaching. He was upset because he didn't have time to shower and give Ky a bath. I said I'd do it, and was quickly removed and replaced as he huffed that he would do it cause he said he would blah blah blah. I guess my "I change all the diapers and feed him all day, you can do one thing for me please" rational is just not a shared sentiment. |
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Alias: SNM
Hometown: Farmington, WV, United States
About Me: SMN is currently a S@HM who resides in the Senior Citizen capital of the world. Amongst her many talents are writing, tiptoeing through the mind field that is her living room, saving run away strollers, lacing any comment with sarcasm, and changing a diaper in 10 seconds flat. Her greatest achievements are birthing Thing One and Thing Two. Ongoing projects include diving into the world of blogging, weaning an aggressive breast feeder, parenting and all it's challenges, and being a wife she can live with (as well as her husband).
See my profile...
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