Jared sold his car back in November and ever since we've been working off of just my Jeep. So from 6-5 every day I am sitting here without any type of transportation and with the onset of Winter, not even the ability to walk outside with Kyan anywhere without fear of slipping on ice or catching a cold. I hate the fact that I don't have a car, and maybe that is me being spoiled or atleast what I feel like it means, because I'm not used to not being able to go anywhere unless I wait and ask permission almost to go to the grocery store from a tired, worked all day husband who doesn't really want to baby sit while I go buy our necessities. It really sucks.
I know my Mom did this while we were growing up, and eventhough Jared promises that soon he's going to buy us a car (only he's really unrealistic about it and instead of buying a car that I want him to buy off of my parent's neighbors that has some miles but is in okay shape, he thinks he has to buy something over priced or from a dealer. I hate his attitude towards cars and practicality sometimes because it seems like he has none) I just really dislike the fact that it's such a big issue with us, especially on the weekends. It's not like I even want a car that badly! The point is that when I have the opportunity on the weekends, I want to go somewhere, I don't even tell him how frustrated it is that both he and Kyan go too like my entourage and security team, but I just want to go out amongst people.
Tonight, yet another issue. We drove 2 hours and got out of the car for about 10 minutes. He needed a wrench at Sears and the whole time I was under the impression that we would be stopping for dinner because:
- Kyan needed to eat
- We always go and eat as a family somewhere on the weekend
- He wouldn't complain that the kitchen was messy because I had to cook
- I would get a break from cooking a meal atleast once this weekend.
So in our attempts to have a weekend of not arguing, we have failed. It just isn't fair that he thinks everything is because I want a car when it's that he doesn't get what it is like to sit here in theses walls and see one day roll into the next and not be able to go anywhere or really even step outside for too long. What I really resent the most is the fact that he always says, "Well You wanted to be a housewife!" Yes, I wanted to be one and I wanted to take care of our son, but I also didn't know that me being one would make him and instant ass at times. He doesn't get what it's like, he's not realistic about goals for the day, and he doesn't get that when I signed up for this I didn't know it was like being on house arrest almost and being caged makes me feel resentful towards him when he gets mad or huffy on the weekend and we argue. It sucks. But what sucks even more is the fact that then after we fight he comes and hugs me hours later and apologizes when all I want him to do is just quit it from the beginning so we wouldn't do this at all! It makes me feel spoiled and ungrateful that he allows me to stay home and raise Kyan as I wanted to. Then again, it makes me feel repressed because I shouldn't feel like he allows me to do anything. I'm just really fed up of not having a partner who understands or takes the time to listen while I'll express or explain how I feel to him. I just wish he'd understand that what his ideas of "my problem" is not the same as the actual reality of the problem. I also hate how now everytime I answer the phone he automatically asks what my problem is because now I sound bitchy on the phone. Never in my life has someone insinuated or flat out accused me of being a bitch or bitchy as it has been since we got married, seriously! And if I joke with him, then I'm being a smart ass, but if I don't joke..hahaHA! I'm being a bitch! It's just a never ending cycle of miscommunication and inability to communicate. So now we sit, floors apart, as our child meows and plays. Wonderful weekends we have! |
