My biological clock is giving me a migraine. Seriously. I don't mean to be repetitious, but when you have a clock that's ticking away at you like a time bomb day in and day out you kinda get comfortable with something being continuous. I think it really isn't even because the Dr and my health are now a big role in my reproductive decisions, because I was getting baby fever long before that, it's just that now I've had 5 people have new babies in the past 2 months and know atleast 4 that are currently pregnant. Really it hit home for me when my cousin found out she was definately having a girl, which I knew she probably was anyways just on a hunch. So I went out to Target the other day to get Kyan some pants while they were clearancing out things, and I saw this little rainbow shirt for a little girl and I knew I had to buy it for Ava (the name of impending cousin). A few days later I went back and found that mostly all the stuff at Target for babies is down to $4-$1 for onesies, blankies, etc. and I started shoving things in the cart to the tune of $13 worth. Not a big deal by any great margin, but wait... So I saw this little onsie that is absolutely cute, oldfashioned and $1.50. Perfect! I count up what size for next fall since it's long sleeved and threw it in the buggy. Then I threw in another in newborn size. I go past blankets and see one that has cupcakes and is pink with the logo "Cutie Pie" on it. In it goes. Then a purple fleece with butterflies that will match perfectly with a quilt I made many moons ago. Yes, it's now become things that I want for my daughter should I EVER have her. See, this has been going on since Kyan. Yes, I knew from conception that I was having a little boy pretty much. I never looked at pink things, I never refered to him as "her" or said, "But it could be a she!" and the first jumper I ever bought said "Mommy's Little Boy". My sister did find a hat she couldn't resist for a little girl with butterflies and I put it a box with my butterfly quilt and put it away. So now I have this bag with girl items in it that I don't want to give away, yes I feel selfish, and now all I can think about is pink. My biological clock is now ticking like someone is taking a slegehammer to it! I can't think about anything else! I have sex and think, "gee.. if I got pregnant tonight I'd be due around...." or "Kyan's getting old enough to deal with a new baby. He loves little babies!" and then I get remorseful and think, "No. It's my cousin's turn to have the new baby." Or "Kyan is my baby and needs more time with Mommy and Daddy before we make it a duo." Then I see those baby blankets and they practically glow at me and now I feel like they're mocking me even. I mean, what if Jared only shoots boys? What if I have a closet full of girls stuff eventually and a housefull of boys?! What if I pin my hopes on the next pregnancy and hear, "It's a boy!" and will I feel like I need to grieve for lost hopes?! That's not fair! It's also not fair to have a girls name you'll never use, and I'm not going to be like some people and use it on a dog! lol. It's just all so much to consider! Seriously! I guess for now I'll just have to keep popping tylenol and stop looking at pregnant women/websites/etc. which will never happen because I'm surrounded by them and they're all taunting me, or are they haunting me?
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