| Of Discussions and Debates and Dilemas and Dastardly Digression |
Last night was date night. (We saw Stop-Loss... great movie! Highly recommend!) I thought that we had discussed all we were going to discuss at the moment with regards to plans we have for the upcoming year. We're getting pregnant, Jared is finishing up his degree and taking his final college class, and we're saving up for a house and getting our finances more in order, which I've been doing pretty well with over the past few months although it's not really noticeable to him because he really doesn't check that part of our lives very much since I took over.
I guess it serves me right for going somewhere and letting them seat us near the bar area where the TV was showing one of the Final 4 games (or Elite 8, I'm not up on my March Madness lingo), but it really made me frustrated that we're having discussions past "What are you ordering?" and when I glace at him he's got his eyes in the TV and then two seconds later makes comments about how I'm not talking to him. What? When we finally had the discussion it was a big mind-cluster-jumble of things we've been discussing, debating, and having arguments over for the past few months.
The 5-year plan that I typed up, that we fought over, that initially he asked for (remember this?) came up. I thought we were done with this subject? Again I was accused of having no ambition, goals or drive. What?! And then the topic of moving was thrown in. I don't know how many times I have to have this converstation with him that yes I realize he drives almost 40 minutes to and 40 minutes from work Mon-Fri, but times are hard and he should be thankful that he has a job as good as he does and not complain about the drive when
A.) We can't afford to move and the deposit, first/last month's rent, hook up for all utilities, and the time or money to make the move.
B.) My Dr is in Morgantown, Kyan's Dr is in Fairmont, and he wants to move to Bridgeport/Clarksburg. That's added work for me to move all of our Dr's down to that area and find Dr's as good as the ones we have in an area where I know absolutely nobody and no Dr's. Especially when our Dr's have been with us through pregnancy, my pediatric/adolecent care and since Kyan's birth
C.) We haven't budgeted this against his student loan payments, the money for his college class and fees, and the fact that rent and things are higher in that area compared to what we pay here. It's not going to save us money because the money he pays in gas to drive from here will even out the difference (hopefully) for rent of a place there and then our utilities will also probably go up and have additional fees for living in town since it's a bigger area.
D.) He just gave me grief about how when he moved us into our prior place, I was pregnant and didn't help, and then when we moved in here, I had a 5 month old and didn't help much either. So he wants to have a baby and move and I will have either a huge belly and a toddler or I'll have a toddler and a newborn and we'll have to have a baby sitter in an area where we dont' have one.
I've told him a million and one times that even if we could afford it, our baby sitter is here, our support system is here, help when we have our 2nd child (eventually) is here. But he won't listen. I would rather get a second car and pay insurance (Additional) than to move right now becuase a second car is more important, but you can't tell him that, and I can't go to prenatal appointments by living in one county, to have someone come pick me up, watch my kid and I go to the Dr and additional drive down the road. It's just not convenient. I'm to the point now where I'm close to calling in a refil and going back on my birth control pills. We haven't even actively tried to get pregnant yet and already I'm ready to throw in the towels. I think he think that I absolutely "HAVE" to have a baby right now, and then he says that he wants it but then he makes me think he doesn't. I gave him possible conception dates and he now says that an April Baby would be great, meaning, "lets put it off until July!" which means, "Hey, let's not have sex for 4 months because I don't want you to go back on your pills becuase it would slow up the process, but I don't want you pregnant before then."
I think I eventually renigged on having a baby completely. I think the words "Wait until Feb 2009" popped out of my mouth along with the phrase "I do everything to make you happy because you harp on things and we fight" was along there. Sometimes I wonder if we're even going to make it in the long run.
Today it's been whiney, touchy, nit picky, blowing things out of proportion, and being rude. I've yet to get a kiss good morning and it's 2:30 p.m. And he wonders why I have the attitude that I don't want a baby unless it's a mutual want. So I'm going to be the mother of 1 and the "couple with a baby" for a lot longer than I thought. |
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| L&D, table for 2-4 please? |
I'm jumping the gun slightly but I want to be prepared. I didn't and am very forthcoming about the fact that I didn't get the birth I wanted last time. I feel like I was robbed in a way of things that I see most women had when they gave birth. It's partly my fault for being inexperienced, young, and not questioning and sticking up for myself, but mostly it was because the Dr was a boob and I to this day dislike and wished I had sued him or atleast strongly complained.
I really have been trying to decide what to do as far as the Labor and Delivery (L&D) part because on my first visit I plan to discuss everything with my OBGYN so that I know early on if we are compatible or if I need to go elsewhere for my prenatal/postnatal care. I don't think it will be a problem, but I just want to be upfront about things this time and actively involved and aware. For starters, I'm not going to be a guinea pig and let them talk me into every stupid unnecessary test coming and going. I did refuse 1 last time because I finally realized I could do that and because there was no need for any type of genetic testing when we weren't even candidates with a history of that disease or a few other we had already let them stick me for in the beginning. A baby is a baby and I want it no matter what so why test for all these diseases "just in case" if you already told me that nothing will change in the long run regarding the rest of the pregnancy, it's just so there are no surprises when they say "It's a..!"
So, I talked to Jared a sec about it last night and decided that there are things we need to consider. My list is:
- Who will watch Kyan when we're off to the hospital - My parents. He has spent the night with them before, he trusts and is comfortable with them. They are closer physically in location and emotionally/bonded to him.
- Who will be in the delivery room? Jared, myself, the medical staff, some amniotic fluid, a baby eventually and my Mom (which we will call when the labor is getting more active so she can witness the birth and help coach and so forth like last time.)
- Who will be in the waiting room? Nobody. I don't want visitors immediately after the birth, I don't want people sitting in there playing on cell phones, calling, texting, downloading, etc. I need my Dad and sister to take care of Kyan and my Mom to coach and it's a private thing and I don't want anyone seeing me like that besides them. I also don't feel like entertaining anyone so we'll call everyone when it's over and we're settled. My grandmothers prefer it this way and respect it as they did last time and I now know was for a reason. Wise as they are.
- Visitors in Hospital: I will see visitors the next day after breakfast and for a short visit. I need time to rest, heal, and nurse my infant and get a good feeding pattern down. I also want to enjoy and bond with my newborn. I want it to be with my immediate family only meaning parents and siblings.
- Visitors in Home: Nobody that first week or so!!! I'm sorry. I have a newborn and I'll have a 2 1/2 year old. I need time and I don't want to worry about cleaning up, nursing, bathing if I don't have the chance, and entertaining people. I also will be exhausted, gross and sore, and not in the mood. I may even be rude enough not to answer the door or phone. I'm sorry. I need to get a routine down and take care of my Kyan and show him that nothing has really changed, just a new person to love. Last time I let people come the day after we got home from the hospital. NEVER AGAIN!
- The only help I need is my husband and my Mom to come occasionally. Period.
So I could tell that I offended dear hubby, and I didn't mean it to seem that way but of course he took it as "You don't want my family involved!" Honestly though, he gets so moody and unpleasant when they visit or we go there that I don't need the stress. I also don't feel like it's beneficial to us that he doesn't want this to be a private thing. This could be our last baby and I want a private time, I want it to be peaceful and all about us as a family coming together. I just don't see where he sees the same thing and I want him to like with so many other things. I want him to take more of an interest like he did last time. To trust me. To see things that I'm going to need help with or need handled or that are important to me this time.. soooo important. I also want more imput, thought and emotion. I dunno. I just don't want stress or arguments when we're not even pregnant, just considering. |
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| Babies anyone? |
I officially stopped taking my BC Pills as of about two weeks ago. Nobody ever told me how hard it would be coming down off of those things! It's enough to make me consider never going back on them and looking into alternatives! Not only did I have hot flashes like crazy but my moodiness was horrible. I'd yell or cry about something and wonder as I was doing it, what the hell is wrong that I'm doing this?! Fortunately it was only aimed at miscellaneous people, like bad drivers and inconsiderate men who can't hold a door open for a lady and her baby stroller (which, I do that all the time anyways, just not at the degree that I openly say something about chivalry and teaching my son manners) and of course Jared. Poor fellow.
Today was a bad day, but I'm not sure it was the lack of pills talking because I've been pretty good this week. Every little thing bothered me in the past 24 hours!
Last night we were talking about how I definately want a different birth plan for our second child. He said one slightly defensive thing and I cried for 10 minutes.
Today I got in the car to pick up pizza for dinner and noticed that for the second time this week I got in to an empty gas tank. Not a big deal, only it was raining and I didn't want to pump gas, and I'm so busy budgeting and gas prices are atleast 10 cents higher in our county vs. where he works and it's beyond me why on a day that he came home early he couldn't put cheaper gas in the car.
I also noticed cupcake wrappers on the passenger side floorboards from where he had them for breakfast this past week. Not that I'm not making him take a vitamin at dinner now a days and this is unhealthy, but it's that he's driving my car and when I leave an empty drink container in there he talks about how I "live" in the car and yet he can do this.
Then.. I come home and he had taken Kyan around the block on a walk like I asked him to. I was happy and surprised he actually did this. Then he says how they took the trash out and Kyan drug my mop, which was outside drying out, down to the dumpster for him. HE THREW IT AWAY!!! It was outside drying out in the fresh air after I had used it yesterday and was waiting to use it after dinner tonight since Kyan was being finicky and throwing food on the floor today, and he just up and threw it away. BRAND NEW I might add. Not more than a month or two old!
I did check my anger. I told him I wasn't mad, he just frustrates me, and not to mess with my things or atleast ASK before he does. And no I'm not already pregnant. Believe me. I know...
So I'm reading lots of books about 2nd pregnancies and they are all encouraging with great tid bits like:
* Your second labor isn't as long
* Morning sickness is way less severe to non existant
* You don't get those pains because your stomach has already stretched and the muscles are relaxed.
*Usually 2nd episiotomies are rare
But then there are the not so great things like:
*I was induced, so really I don't know that my 1st labor of 9 hours was accurate
*Exhaustion is higher when you can't rest like you did in your first pregnancy with another child to care for
*Excessive emotions are more common, more crying, guilt, etc.
It's just a lot to handle! And I've weighed both the pros and cons of a second pregnancy and a second baby like you would not believe. Is it better to wait? Is it better to go ahead? What about Kyan? What about our marriage? Do we have the space? Can we afford it? Is my health okay or should I not wait until it deteriorates?
I've basically come to this conclusion. I love Kyan and I love that he is (or thinks he is) independent and loves to help me and be with me. I love him more than anything and while we're at a good place where we can communicate now, I think he's still young enough that a new baby wouldn't throw him out of wack completely! At any stage there are going to be changes, but it's not enough to throw him into a big regression. I don't plan to potty train him until he's atleast 3 and by that time the baby, hopefully, will be around 6 months old and it won't be that bad. I also have great support in my parents and grandparents if I need a break and if I need help and they help so much already that I know they'll love 2 kids just as much if not more than 1. I also don't want a big age gap. I love my sister and we're friends and all but 5 years is too much.
Of course I think, will I be able to love him and have moments alone with him, and yes, I will. I know that I will always have a special bond with Kyan because he's my firstborn and all mothers have that. With him needing special care as a newborn with his reflux it makes him that much more dear to me because I realize how fleeting it is to have a newborn and to care for a baby and then to slowly see them not needing as much care.
I just dont' want to be "The couple with a baby." I want to be "Table for four".
So, I guess we're embarking on the next phase in our life. Babies anyone? |
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Alias: SNM
Hometown: Farmington, WV, United States
About Me: SMN is currently a S@HM who resides in the Senior Citizen capital of the world. Amongst her many talents are writing, tiptoeing through the mind field that is her living room, saving run away strollers, lacing any comment with sarcasm, and changing a diaper in 10 seconds flat. Her greatest achievements are birthing Thing One and Thing Two. Ongoing projects include diving into the world of blogging, weaning an aggressive breast feeder, parenting and all it's challenges, and being a wife she can live with (as well as her husband).
See my profile...
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