Daily Musings From the Mommy Cave

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Of Discussions and Debates and Dilemas and Dastardly Digression

Last night was date night. (We saw Stop-Loss... great movie! Highly recommend!) I thought that we had discussed all we were going to discuss at the moment with regards to plans we have for the upcoming year. We're getting pregnant, Jared is finishing up his degree and taking his final college class, and we're saving up for a house and getting our finances more in order, which I've been doing pretty well with over the past few months although it's not really noticeable to him because he really doesn't check that part of our lives very much since I took over.

I guess it serves me right for going somewhere and letting them seat us near the bar area where the TV was showing one of the Final 4 games (or Elite 8, I'm not up on my March Madness lingo), but it really made me frustrated that we're having discussions past "What are you ordering?" and when I glace at him he's got his eyes in the TV and then two seconds later makes comments about how I'm not talking to him. What? When we finally had the discussion it was a big mind-cluster-jumble of things we've been discussing, debating, and having arguments over for the past few months.

The 5-year plan that I typed up, that we fought over, that initially he asked for (remember this?) came up. I thought we were done with this subject? Again I was accused of having no ambition, goals or drive. What?! And then the topic of moving was thrown in. I don't know how many times I have to have this converstation with him that yes I realize he drives almost 40 minutes to and 40 minutes from work Mon-Fri, but times are hard and he should be thankful that he has a job as good as he does and not complain about the drive when
A.) We can't afford to move and the deposit, first/last month's rent, hook up for all utilities, and the time or money to make the move.
B.) My Dr is in Morgantown, Kyan's Dr is in Fairmont, and he wants to move to Bridgeport/Clarksburg. That's added work for me to move all of our Dr's down to that area and find Dr's as good as the ones we have in an area where I know absolutely nobody and no Dr's. Especially when our Dr's have been with us through pregnancy, my pediatric/adolecent care and since Kyan's birth
C.) We haven't budgeted this against his student loan payments, the money for his college class and fees, and the fact that rent and things are higher in that area compared to what we pay here. It's not going to save us money because the money he pays in gas to drive from here will even out the difference (hopefully) for rent of a place there and then our utilities will also probably go up and have additional fees for living in town since it's a bigger area.
D.) He just gave me grief about how when he moved us into our prior place, I was pregnant and didn't help, and then when we moved in here, I had a 5 month old and didn't help much either. So he wants to have a baby and move and I will have either a huge belly and a toddler or I'll have a toddler and a newborn and we'll have to have a baby sitter in an area where we dont' have one.

I've told him a million and one times that even if we could afford it, our baby sitter is here, our support system is here, help when we have our 2nd child (eventually) is here. But he won't listen. I would rather get a second car and pay insurance (Additional) than to move right now becuase a second car is more important, but you can't tell him that, and I can't go to prenatal appointments by living in one county, to have someone come pick me up, watch my kid and I go to the Dr and additional drive down the road. It's just not convenient. I'm to the point now where I'm close to calling in a refil and going back on my birth control pills. We haven't even actively tried to get pregnant yet and already I'm ready to throw in the towels. I think he think that I absolutely "HAVE" to have a baby right now, and then he says that he wants it but then he makes me think he doesn't. I gave him possible conception dates and he now says that an April Baby would be great, meaning, "lets put it off until July!" which means, "Hey, let's not have sex for 4 months because I don't want you to go back on your pills becuase it would slow up the process, but I don't want you pregnant before then."

I think I eventually renigged on having a baby completely. I think the words "Wait until Feb 2009" popped out of my mouth along with the phrase "I do everything to make you happy because you harp on things and we fight" was along there. Sometimes I wonder if we're even going to make it in the long run.

Today it's been whiney, touchy, nit picky, blowing things out of proportion, and being rude. I've yet to get a kiss good morning and it's 2:30 p.m. And he wonders why I have the attitude that I don't want a baby unless it's a mutual want. So I'm going to be the mother of 1 and the "couple with a baby" for a lot longer than I thought.

posted by SNM at 1:54 PM -

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