I realize that either I'm not the expectation that someone held ideally in their heart and in their head or that like a firework we're starting that slow fade into darkness with only smoke and car alarms going off in our wake. Poetic, yes. Or, it could be that our ideals in important areas that once were pretty trivial or didn't exist in our relationship yet are completely different and we need to work on meshing the two or realizing we agree to disagree or it's a deal breaker. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I wonder if possibly abscense makes the heart grow fonder and I should just do my own things with Kyan and include him (dh) when he feels like it and not dwell on it if he doesn't (even if he never does). It's just hard for me to accept that things that I thought a relationship meant like being the other person's grounding point, a welcome, a comfort, just doesn't exist like that for us. While I need to reach out and feel his chest, his shoulder, and siddle up to him at night, he needs a firmer mattress for back support. I also realize that there are some differences in upbringing that just won't change and while I'm content to put myself on the back burner for the sake of my family, it's just not working out and I am realizing that I have needs that we aren't on the same page about or that we have decisions that we're not making together no matter what the effort singly on each other's part is happening.

My biggest thing right now is that I feel defective. We were spoiled in concieving Kyan in the way we did on the first attempt. I've been off the pill since March and my periods are still all over the place and while I try to actively "try" every few days it's just not happening. While last month it was a bit devestating, this month it was more or less just the shock at the sight of blood but it was something I knew was coming. I don't know if I can take another month of waiting and then not being. I know it's really bad to say because there are many who try for months and years until they're blessed, but when you don't feel 100% secure in other aspects of your life, and have that support it's trying to do it alone. I'm through thinking that bringing a baby into this is a mistake because I realize that I'm living for my son as it is so why not make it a more complete family with another child because it's for me anyways. I know I'll go it alone. I know that this time around no matter how on board he says, it's not going to be as happy or supportive as it was with the first pregnancy and it's a shame. But it's something I need and not something I want to look back on in another year or two and regret not doing. Things work themselves out and if I'm not meant to get pregnant then I will continue to not get pregnant. I'm all about believing in the cosmos providing what is needed.

It's just sad that things fizzle out. I started weeding through old emails I saved today and found one from my dh when we first started dating and had adopted a dog. It was funny how much he said he loved me, called me baby, and said he missed me and couldn't wait to see me or hug and kiss me and spend time with me. Now I have to remind him that he didn't kiss me today or I show affection and get a goofy look in return and a "cut it out". How did it get to this point? Do things fizzle? Is the boom and colors gone and how far gone? I thought that finding someone to watch the fireworks with was what I wanted in life but I didn't realize that relationships were just one big light show and you just wait for the next one to light up or you see how long the color takes to fade.