| "Well, we had to hang you from the ceiling." |
 My grandmother decided last week that I was pregnant and had to call me at 10 a.m. to "ask before I started bragging to everyone about another great-grandbaby!" I guess that's the benefit of having the neighborhood/town gossip as your grandmother because she atleast checks the facts before spreading it like wildfire!
Her reasoning was a bit sketchy at best. We had to attend my Great-Grandfather's funeral. He died at 92, not a bad life, and he got to know his great-great grandson (Kyan) so that in my book means something. Anyways, I don't get dressed up anymore because I don't have a reason to really. It sucks when you realize that you mostly wear jeans and a nice shirt and call that looking good, and sometimes dare I say it "classy" and "put together". I had bought a pair of pants for a wedding we were going to attend last fall but didn't end up going because of gas prices. (now a laughable thing since it was around $3.00 at that point and now it's between $3.69-$4.00) When I went to look for a shirt, dear hubby said, "You have a whole box of dress clothes you used to wear, go pull something out!" What he didn't realize was that they were packed away because they were clothes I wore at my office job and that the Summer clothes were from MY THIRD TRIMESTER! Men. He still didn't get the point because "girls wear blousy shirts now a days, and it was only 2 years ago!" until I put on a shirt and looked like Marie Antoinette without her hoop skit. Tons of fabric! I can't believe this was snug at one point! Upon telling this humorous story my Grandmother skipped from "funny" to "Oh my gosh, she's trying to tell me in a funny way that she's pregnant!!" What?! So I get the phone call and reexplain the story and reassure her that no I'm not pregnant at this point and thanks for calling to ask and blah blah blah. Later on I call my Mom and tell her about how the woman is losing it and how my day got started with my grandmother having a pregnancy scare for me and how crazy that was. Now, my Mom means well and I'm sure she'd be elated to have another grandchild but she worries a lot and she knows that yes we had hard times when I was a child and yes she wishes she wouldn't have waited 5 years between her 2 children and the list goes on but after what I thought was an amusing story she says.. "With all of Kyan's things, where would you put a baby? Hang it from the ceiling?!"
insert crickets chirping here.
So I figure when I do get pregnant the best approach is going to be to just sky write it like "Surrender Dorothy" above her house. I wonder how much that costs?  I guess you'd have to price it vs. witch broom or airplane. Of course I could get an annoying banner like they have at the beach or other places where they advertise "Eat at Joe's! Best $1.99 hot dog you'll ever get food poisoning from!" and have it say, "Guess what we'll be hanging from the ceiling soon?!" |
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| I know what's sexy.. |
Nothing says sexy quite like jumping your husband when he's already asleep, giving a pretty good start up blow job, climbing on top of him as he riggles around in anticipation, and then getting the urge to sneeze about 3 times and on the last one accidentally farting on his balls. Needless to say the orgasm that was going to happen in mere seconds needed a rework up so the quickie turned out to be a little more work. Seriously, this whole ovulation tracking processes is making me a little loopy. I'm like watching Mariah Carey at a press conference. Totally wacked out but smiling like an idiot.
But after doing that I just didn't feel like revisiting that same area and doing a bit of "fluff work" because I wasn't in that Porn Star frame of mind after passing gas in a vibrating kinda way. You just can't do the same "ooh" and "ah" face after you let one. So, I basically did the up down thing on top for about 10 minutes and then told him if he wanted to get behind me that it'd probably be the best idea or this could go on for a while... i.e. my legs were starting to cramp up, and miraculously the miracles of the ass shot, got me out of a "could you put your leg here? my arm's getting tired? what if we did this?" and then the inevitable queef from where you move around too much. I've had enough embarassing air moments that night to tack on a queefing.
So when I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning to pee and swish around some sperm that just didn't make it up the ol' baby shoot or did and decided it was too dark, wet, and scary, I thought, "I must blog about this, because someone will find it humorous in the long run."
Lessons learned. Must pick up dusting products so kicking up a little bit during a sneak nookie attack doesn't end up in the ol' sneeze and fart. |
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| I am the mother of a two year old. |
In case anyone cares to know. Today is an excellent day to give birth. I know, because I did it exactly two years ago today when my little man was born. So if anyone wants to commemorate the day with me, I plan to pin a clothes pin to a delicate part of my body from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. to represent the labor process. During the active labor phase I'll remove and replace the pin to signify the contractions. Then I plan to heavily sedate myself afterwards and then have the hubby dress up as a vampire and come wake me up every so often during the evening to ask for blood in honor of the nurses who did so that evening.
Oh.. and we'll probably go out to eat and let the wait staff sing to Kyan.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN! GLAD YOU MADE ME A MAMMA! |
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| I give. Period. |
I can end the waiting game and proceed to the next now. After feeling unparticularly crampy this morning and spotting I can now officially say that my period was here. I'm starting to think that it shows up fashionably late because it seems to never get here and when it does it ruins another pair of undies. Thank heavens, this time it was a pair I didn't like anymore and threw them away, promptly. I guess I just don't get it. I feel like it's a flaw now, something uncontrollable yet with such control over me. I just want it to either get regular or give me an indication that something is wrong and this is why it is how it is! And I'm tired of thinking, "It's just your body regulating itself and the OBGYN said it could take up to 6 months to concieve after getting off of it!" and then there's part of me that feels like I've/We've only been trying since March and I shouldn't slight the women who have tried for years and years and haven't concieved yet and how spoiled I was that Kyan was a one shot deal and that I've always had regular periods like clockwork. I kept thinking that maybe the Gods were telling me something becuase I swore up and down that we wouldn't try to get pregnant until Kyan was 2 and maybe this month would be the month since his 2nd birthday is days in the countdown and how wonderful that it would be to have a baby due around the same time as our 2nd wedding anniversary. How nice, a 2 year old, our 2nd child, and 2 years of marriage. How poetic, start playing 2 as our Powerball number! Horray Hoorah! Then I think how I've had wishful thinking the past few months in trying and it all is in vain the day I wake up to blood in my panties. And its' not fair. It's not fair that I'm doing everything possible! I'm trying to chart my period, my ovulation date, our sex life, due dates, and taking my basal body temp and keeping track of discharge and mucus and researching the color/consistancy/etc. in all of it and how it compares and contrasts to your menstral cycle. It's too much G.D. it! I'm fed up! I give! I'm imperfected out in my imperfections! But then I close my eyes and go to sleep and dream of a baby and a family and a sibling and how wonder it is to feel those first quickenings and then the kicks and the way that everything is so new and exciting. It just doesn't add up. And I feel stupid at all the pregnancy tests I've wasted in my impatiency these last few months, waiting on a period that shows up when it feels like it. How do I justify spending money in the upwards of 20 something dollars or more for ovulation test strips when who knows if even that will work? What if I'm getting pregnant but my body just isnt' implanting this time? What happens if I go and they find out that something is wrong and it'll take more months to straighten it out before I get pregnant again? What if I just drive myself crazy with all this mess and that doesn't help me in the situation at all. But sadly, what if it's just not meant to be. What if I lose this drive and then get pregnant and it's all lack lustered. |
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| Why in the world does it cost so much for a birthday! |
I just don't understand why it costs so much to have a birthday party and do birthday things for your kid these days! I wanted to put Kyan's picture and an announcement in the newspaper about him turning 2. We always did it for our birthdays as kids and I really like doing it for him. I go to get the write up done and pick a picture only to find out that it's $35 just to put it in. If I do a "Happy Ad" it's $25-35 depending on 1/4 of an inch with the picture and wording. Geez! Birthday cakes now cost upwards of $30 for a regular size cake. I wanted to do a design and the lady told me that they do "kits" like plastic scenes and things but it's $10 extra. What the hell people! It's a cake for a kid who isn't going to remember it unless he sees the pictures but still deserves a nice damn day!
I'm also torn about the gift. I wanted to buy him something useful, practical, and will last for a few years. I want to get him a desk or a little play table so he can sit and eat his snacks and things or color while he watches his shows and I'm busy. I know we're running out of room but if I could reorganize the toys in the living room and the books then I know it's doable. I also saw a very nice playhouse type toy (like a doll house, okay? There! I said it!) because he loves playing with the huge little people house that my Mom has that used to be us girls'. It's very unisex and it has lots of features that he'd love but I'm afraid that everyone will see it as girly eventhough I'm totally okay with it.
My big plan is to go out and have dinner with him on Friday, his actual birthday, and give him his card and his gift that evening so that Jared can be there. He loves when waiters sing to people when we're out to eat so I thought it'd be nice to do this. As embarassing as it will be and ridiculous to Jared, I'm doing it. Then we'll do stuff all weekend and then the next Saturday is his party. Should be fun.
I just hate all this prep work. I'm ordering the cake on Friday, and I'm still undecided about the food. We have 3 people coming from hubby's side of the family. Yes, Three.. three out of 12? His Mom, Dad and his girlfriend are the only ones showing. Now these are the same people who bitch cause they don't see him, who knew since June when the date was, got their invites 6 weeks before the party date mind you! I follow Emily Post on that one! But no.. can't come. Now his Paternal Grandparents I can understand, they haven't been feeling well (the Grandmother atleast) but his cousin and her husband and 2 kids are going to the beach, his sister is going with them to baby sit, his brother doesn't want to come home and I understand the reasons and circumstances, his Nana has to baby sit, so what is the priority? Your grandson or your social life? Anyways, I got pizza last time feeling as if I should feed everyone but I hate getting stuck with lots of left overs when people show up and don't eat or don't show up. So it may be just cake, drinks and chips if I get too overwhelmed and frustrated.
Which brings me to my next point. RSVPING!!!!! If you are invited, and it says RSVP and to a person and phone number, it's probably a good idea to do so. Invitations sent out around 3 weeks ago, party is in 2 1/2 weeks, nobody but my parents and sister have RSVP'ed and dh's Dad who we knew was coming with his girlfriend and now dh's Mom. Which really is more than I expected from that side of the family becuase they never RSVP for anything. We throw them a family only party for Christmas since we can't come down there and nobody RSVP's. I have to call a few days before to make sure I have ample food and drink. Our wedding reception thing, not a call not a well wish not a "We'll be there". Kyan's 1st Birthday, surprised they all came. Ugh. Isn't anyone ettiquette friendly?!!?!
So, it's 8 days until he turns 2 now. My baby. My little man. Already I'm ready to throw in the towel. |
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| Knowing before you know |
I was thinking about when I first knew I was pregnant with Kyan this morning. Lots of reflection since he's turning 2 and he's changing so much into a little man than the small baby he used to be. You know, you hold that wiggling thing in your belly for 9 months, then you hold it close to you for the first 12 months outside the belly and you never realize that all those button nose, chubby cheeks and spit bubbles are going to blink and change into a smart little man with his own distinct facial features and a running spirt (and vocabulary!) so soon. It almost makes me wish that I held him more and cuddled him as a baby, eventhough with all the co-sleeping, the burping, the reflux, the snuggles in the morning, and the nursing, I'm sure he was held more than any Child Expert would agree that you should do.
And getting pregnant was such a spur of the moment thing. That Summer I was only doing the "Yeah, I want to be a parent one day" thing but never thought that by that time next Summer I'd be ready to pop! I don't think I even was thinking about my period being late until I was almost a week overdue for it. But we were still in that honeymoon phase of "gah! I don't want to stop for a few days!" because sex every night is like breathing at this point! And then I gave it two or three more days just incase, like maybe my uterus forgot "oh, I gotta start shedding this lining!" because of all the action that was happening in that area after such a dry spell.
The one thing that I noticed changing from my body that clued me in that I was probably pregnant was that 1.) I could smell all types of things really pungently. and 2.) When I would pee I would nearly gag because my urine smelled bad to me. I even had the DR. check my urine and check for infection and the nurse said, "Nope. Just one of those odd pregnancy things" later on. And yes it's gross and borderline disgusting to most, but your body tries to tell you these things and you either brush them off or are too stupid to get it. You just think, "huh. oh well." and move on.
I even remember taking the test before he got home from work but I don't remember buying the test and I don't remember my reaction or seeing the positive sign in the little window. I don't think I even took more than one test. I just knew it and went on. I think I even took a few days to monitor the situation and figure out how to tell Jared he was going to be a father. Now that moment I can see in my head. He'd been bugging me to open atleast one present before Christmas and we'd put up the tree already and wrapped and did our presents under the tree. It was Dec. 15th and he was antsy so I had bought him one of those "Daddying for Dummies" books and told him that he could open the present in his stocking and then I left the room to "do something". I remember him coming in, book only half unwrapped and saying, "Are you serious? I knew it! Seriously?!" and then jumping on the bed where I was watching t.v. and then that's when the obsession with the belly happened. (It's a wonder Kyan doesn't have a dent in his forehead from where Jared had this uncanny ability of just sticking his finger in my belly button the entire 9 months. That was his "Thing".) And I'm sure that the reflection isn't going to stop there because we still have 9 more days before his birthday. Another 7 afterwards for his party extravaganza. Now if only I could get another moment like this to reflect upon, I'd be fine. |
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| The Waiting Game |
I think I just enjoy POAS (aka "peeing on a stick") and every time I do it I feel like the stick mocks me all day until I empty the trash or threaten to throw it out into the street and run over it with my car. So this morning I got out one of the good ones, not the dollar store cheapy ones but a good name brand and has an embarassing commercial type of pregnancy tests, popped a squat and waited the three minutes for your results. Guess what?! NOT PREGNANT! So apparently I'm just late again and now instead of playing the waiting game with my ovulating, trying, testing, retesting, and what not, I'm packing tampons/pads/liners/etc. into my purse and waiting for the inevitable red sea to wash it's high tide throughout my system so that I can resume all this madness for what is the next attempt to have baby numero two.
And sadly there was a time where were always like, "Whew. Got my period!" like the first time after your first time. HA! You could've used a condom, the pill, a diaphram, spermicidal foam, and dated a guy with a vasectomy and still thought you were pregnant after your first time. So many health class horror stories and LMN movies have that plot line and eventhough you are the most intune person with you health and human sexuality you still get that little incling in your mind. Then there were times where you were like, "SHIT! Got my period!" Like on date night when you were still in that non-personal phase where nobody burps or is gassy or has any type of bodily fluids or waste. Neither of you want to admit you take the newspaper or magazines to the potty with you. Heaven forbid you get the flu and have to cancel dinner and a movie because you have your ass on the toilet and your head in the shower trying to catch all things spewing from your orfaces. You think tonight might be the night, you've been leading up to it and then you get the period. Or when you want to go swimming and you run out of tampons but have to leave ASAP and have to make them stop and get teased the whole way to the pool, mercilously by your friends who have a secret code name or nickname for you all day until someone else does something to top it like splits their pants or farts or something. You're in the honeymoon phase of the relationship where you suddenly both have more money becuase you can't stop humping each other to actually make it to a date. Your skin is glowy, you're dropping weight like an anorexic from "living off love", and you can't imagine going a few days without some type of Big O inducing passion.. Nah.. Scratch that... you wait all week long and you put the baby to bed early and actually shave your legs and reapply deoderant to come to bed in something other than your spit up stained pj's and get it early. Yeah, that's more like it now a days. And remember the days when you thought it was too much to squeeze all your "girly" products into your cute little purse? Now you carry butt paste, diapers, enough wipes to clean your car, atleast two sets of clothes, extra snacks and toys, petrified pretzels or fruit snacks, and about 8 rubber bands to pull up your hair that you need to cut but can't find the time or the style and really only fix it about 2 outta 7 days a week aside from washing and air drying and then knotting it atop your head. Or what's worse, having someone find out you have girly products in there. Like you ask your husband to dig for your car keys and instead he pulls out the keys with a tampon stuck through the ring. Or your change purse has a pad hanging from it because in all the rummaging the tab busted open a fraction so the sticky stuff could latch on. True story: I went to the movies, was using an Instead that needed rinsing out and this lady opens up the stall that I was using just as I was putting it back in. Two fingers deep in vagina. She said, "Oh" and went into the next stall. I flushed, washed, ran back to my seat at the movies and she walked in and sat two rows in front of me. UGH! We left before the lights came on. How do you recover from that? Atleast let a person explain and then realize they need not explain becuase you always check for feet before flinging open a stall that looks occupado! And now I sit here, hoping to feel a twinge, a cramp, a slight dribble. And I find myself sitting here instead, playing the waiting game.. and waiting game... hoping it doesn't turn into the crying game.. and secretly wishing next month I'd have a whole blog dedicated to morning sickness. |
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| It's My Right To Change The Plans! |
Sometimes I swear I married the most immature person ever. I'm sick of being told that I'm the one who is having the "bitch fits" in this house. Last night Kyan was wanting Pizza for dinner. After explaining that we didn't have any pizza he began to whimper and whine a little bit. I knew he was getting tired and didn't really want to eat because now that he's doing the no nap time thing he either tries to fall asleep in the high chair at dinner or at night snack, or he doesn't want to do either because sitting down slows him down and he falls asleep. So dh decided to tell him, "If you're a good boy, Daddy will take you for stuffed crust pizza tomorrow night!" PERFECT! Because I wanted to get my hair trimmed tonight, need a few things at the store, and didn't want to be running all day tomorrow when I was going to take Ky to my parents to swim in the afternoon since we won't be visiting on Sunday becuase my MIL and SIL are coming. At roughly 3:45, 15 minutes before quitting time dh decides to call to ask if I need anything and tell me that he doesn't want to go to get pizza. My plans and prep were completely ruined. I didn't thaw anything out for dinner, I had no back up plan, nothing. I put Kyan down for a nap becuase he woke up way to early to not do one today (first time all week!) and went upstairs to do a few things. When he got home we got into a little tiff about it. I knew walking into the door he had a chip on his shoulder. Apparently they had a surprise party for him and another co-worker for their 1 year anniversary with the company today and bringing home a left over $5 pizza was going to make up for the fact that he promised his little boy a trip out of the house amongst people for a family dinner tonight. All day long I heard, "Daddy at work?! Daddy home! Daddy an pizza! In da jeep! Bye bye Mommy!" and I told him, Oh yeah, we were going, I was going to cut my hair blah de dah. And the answer I got to it from dh, "I'M ALLOWED TO CHANGE THE PLANS. IT'S MY RIGHT. HE'LL FORGET ABOUT." So when he woke up and started talking about going somewhere to Daddy and then got a slice of leftover pizza and a high chair, he was not pleased. Nor was he okay with just going to the park that he goes to all the time. Tonight I've also heard such classics as : 1. "You can quit bitching and crying and go get your hair cut by yourself and we'll be fine here alone" which sounds lovely except he lets him nap longer so he doesn't have to deal with him then promptly goes to bed leaving me up with him until he poops out. He also gives me an attitude about staying out later when I have to wait to get it cut, and he doesn't bath or start the bedtime routine and expects me to come home and do it. 2. "Are you goign to do anything today?!" which I responded by telling him I'd respond to him when he rephrased it nicely. I'm sorry, your nap until 6:!5 doesn't let me go get a hair cut when I drive 30 minutes to get there, wait and they don't cut hair all night long. I just wish he'd grow up. I'm tired too but I don't get to be. I'm sick of this place more than he is and yes I realize he works and drives to and fro but give me a break too sometimes. So if Kyan is up until 10:30 tonight, we're hopping in the car and going to Walmart. I'm not "making a day of it" tomorrow to get up, go to a park that's an extra $15 in gas and 45 minute drive just becuase it's by his work when we have good ones in this county, going out to eat, going to the store, getting my hair trimmed and then coming home to tidy up before my in laws arrive and worry about that whole day going smoothly. Not going to happen. In fact, I didn't even want pizza tonight, a simple dollar menu type deal at Wendy's would've been okay with me and Kyan and much cheaper to do a nicer dinner on Sunday or tomorrow with his family, if we even do it. Why won't he just quit coping the attitude and grow up. It's his right to do that too ya know.
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Alias: SNM
Hometown: Farmington, WV, United States
About Me: SMN is currently a S@HM who resides in the Senior Citizen capital of the world. Amongst her many talents are writing, tiptoeing through the mind field that is her living room, saving run away strollers, lacing any comment with sarcasm, and changing a diaper in 10 seconds flat. Her greatest achievements are birthing Thing One and Thing Two. Ongoing projects include diving into the world of blogging, weaning an aggressive breast feeder, parenting and all it's challenges, and being a wife she can live with (as well as her husband).
See my profile...
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