I can end the waiting game and proceed to the next now. After feeling unparticularly crampy this morning and spotting I can now officially say that my period was here. I'm starting to think that it shows up fashionably late because it seems to never get here and when it does it ruins another pair of undies. Thank heavens, this time it was a pair I didn't like anymore and threw them away, promptly. I guess I just don't get it. I feel like it's a flaw now, something uncontrollable yet with such control over me. I just want it to either get regular or give me an indication that something is wrong and this is why it is how it is! And I'm tired of thinking, "It's just your body regulating itself and the OBGYN said it could take up to 6 months to concieve after getting off of it!" and then there's part of me that feels like I've/We've only been trying since March and I shouldn't slight the women who have tried for years and years and haven't concieved yet and how spoiled I was that Kyan was a one shot deal and that I've always had regular periods like clockwork. I kept thinking that maybe the Gods were telling me something becuase I swore up and down that we wouldn't try to get pregnant until Kyan was 2 and maybe this month would be the month since his 2nd birthday is days in the countdown and how wonderful that it would be to have a baby due around the same time as our 2nd wedding anniversary. How nice, a 2 year old, our 2nd child, and 2 years of marriage. How poetic, start playing 2 as our Powerball number! Horray Hoorah! Then I think how I've had wishful thinking the past few months in trying and it all is in vain the day I wake up to blood in my panties. And its' not fair. It's not fair that I'm doing everything possible! I'm trying to chart my period, my ovulation date, our sex life, due dates, and taking my basal body temp and keeping track of discharge and mucus and researching the color/consistancy/etc. in all of it and how it compares and contrasts to your menstral cycle. It's too much G.D. it! I'm fed up! I give! I'm imperfected out in my imperfections! But then I close my eyes and go to sleep and dream of a baby and a family and a sibling and how wonder it is to feel those first quickenings and then the kicks and the way that everything is so new and exciting. It just doesn't add up. And I feel stupid at all the pregnancy tests I've wasted in my impatiency these last few months, waiting on a period that shows up when it feels like it. How do I justify spending money in the upwards of 20 something dollars or more for ovulation test strips when who knows if even that will work? What if I'm getting pregnant but my body just isnt' implanting this time? What happens if I go and they find out that something is wrong and it'll take more months to straighten it out before I get pregnant again? What if I just drive myself crazy with all this mess and that doesn't help me in the situation at all. But sadly, what if it's just not meant to be. What if I lose this drive and then get pregnant and it's all lack lustered. |
