For anyone out there who is currently in the bowels of hell, also known as "TTC" or "Trying to Concieve", I applaud you. I thought that labor and delivery was the most freightening, strenuous, and horribly painful yet rewarding thing a woman could ever do. (And I say "yet rewarding" with truth but a big "oy!" in the mix) I feel like my sanity is based on the classification/justification of three little letters, T-T-C and the appearance or lack there of in two pink lines.
Women who have already embraced the entire 9 months and postnatal part of Mommyhood like to tell expectant mothers about how labor and deliver isn't the most plesant experience, but it's "so rewarding!" the whole "It hurts, but once you hold that baby in your arms you forget all about the pain!" snowjob and all. It's complete bullshit none the less. Romanticising something so gross and painful, not to say it's not amazing what your body is capable of, but the awe and amazement doesn't make those contractions any less stifling. It's like when they tell you to bite your tongue or pinch yourself somewhere else to make the pain lessen or go away. It doesn't work! We might want it to, but it doesn't! Yes, you have a pink bundle of joy in your arms and yes you love it and yes you're happy to be a Mommy but nothing is going to wipe that moment of pushing and panting, sweating and squealing from your mind! It's a very bittersweet, precious and humbling experience all in one, but it's still what it is, uncomfortable!
I feel the same way with trying to get pregnant this time around. The second time is always different, and to those who tell me that I'd like to give them a big "No shit!" The last time I tried this I thought, "Eh.. no way this'll happen in the first month!" and BOOM! Three weeks later I'm staring at two pink lines and thinking the term Fertile Myrtle really does apply to me now! Thank goodness all the condoms before didn't break! What I wouldn't give for an accidental pregnancy now! It's like someone once said, "I spent most of my late teens and early twenties trying to prevent a pregnancy and now I can't get pregnant if I stood on my head in the full moon with a big 'Welcome Semen!' sign above my vagina!" (actually nobody said that.. except maybe me, but you get the point!)
I'm starting to get bitter. I am pissed at my body for betraying me, pissed at myself for getting hopes up too high and crashing, pissed at people who say to me to give it time and relax, it'll happen when it's meant to, you're trying too hard, or whatever and mainly pissed that I have no answers!
I'm finally going to see a Dr about the infertility part in about a week and a half and now I feel like my main objective is to be on the defense with this poor OBGYN whom I've never met but heard great things because I'm tired of getting the run around. Damnit! I want a baby and I want it now! I've been poked, prodded, donated enough blood samples, heard the term "Wait a little longer" and after a year of that bullshit I've had it! I want it, I'm getting it, or I'm going to run around your office screaming like a banshee for all to see! I wonder what the cops will say, as I'm hauled off in handcuffs, when I tell them I'm pleading insanity and the makers of EPT are to blame.
