Daily Musings From the Mommy Cave

Monday, March 9, 2009

You grow up and there are certain tests that there is a fair amount of pressure for you to pass. I always thought the most embarassing one to fail was the Spelling Bee you had amongst your classmates in Elementary school. You're standing up there with all 27 people in your 2nd grade class and you know you suck at spelling aloud but you have to do it anyways and it sucks. I think in my class the same 4 people always made it to the end each time anyways. Now having taught for a few years I realize that it has nothing to do with being smarter or more/less educated that someone, it's about what works for the kid. Some people are totally brilliant conversationalists, read tons of books, absorb knowledge like a sponge, but can't take a test to save their lives!(especially if it's True False.) I think in 2nd grade the biggest thing for me was that we had a Sub the day that we took our Spelling Bee and my word was "grade". I got all the way to d without messing up and she said incorrect right before I said e. I will live with that internal embarassment and angst for the rest of my life. It's probably trivial to some, but to me it lives on. It's a reminder to always make sure I get my fair say and to complete something to the best of my ability on my own terms without regret.

So here I sit, almost 20 years later, and I'm recalling all the tests that were important to me that I have done well on. The ACT's, a school art show where I got a little honorable mention, a history award I won in 8th grade, taking the Golden Horseshoe Test, and eventhough I didn't get a perfect score or win first place or anything on most of them it was just the fact that I was able or picked to do it that mattered the most.
Right now my biggest challenge is trying to get a positive on my ovulation test strips. Even with the positive pregnancy test I got during my first pregnancy in 2005, I have felt more happiness seeing the lines on these ovulation tests in the past week! Now, for someone who has never dealt with the ups and downs of trying to concieve, you probably think how stupid is that but to someone who knows what it's like to go a year without getting pregnant or longer or having fertility issues, you get what I'm saying. It's horrible. The let down, the seeing lines that aren't there, or wondering what's wrong with you, are you defective, will it ever happen, should you make peace that one child or no child is what you have been given so divert your bliss towards them or towards another goal in helping children or adopting or fostering or whatever. It's insane the amount of pressure you put on yourself, second guessing, wishful thinking, and how almost insignificant the reward is (come on, positive ovulation doesn't mean you'll get pregnant that month necessarily!). It almost feels like everything up to this point in your life has been a sham. Why did I bust my ass in college on that Lit final when really it wasn't that big a deal? Why did I worry about getting into college in the first place? Why didn't I put more emphasis on my first pregnancy? Why did I worry about getting knocked up all that time when it's been so hard trying this time? Was my first conception really a miraculous event and I didn't know it? It really puts things into perspective.

To update:
SNM has been to the OBGYN and the following tests, conclusions, results and treatments were discussed and started.

Internal ultrasound was performed and came back fine. Bloodwork was unnecessary at this stage (whoohoo!) but the theory is that unlike most normal women she only ovulates 6-8 times max a year instead of the normal 12.

Provera was prescribed and will be started in a few weeks if not pregnant by then. If it doesn't result in pregnancy in 3 months then the pill form of Clomid will come next, followed by injections, followed by more $$ tests/treatments all within the next 6 months. Ovulation test strips are now a daily part of my life for the foreseeable future.

posted by SNM at 2:47 PM -

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